I Dated a Xenomorph Face Hugger

(a.k.a Women: Part 2)

Years ago, when I was 17, I was in a relationship for 15 months. Incredible, fun, full of love, and kisses. We tried having sex, but she was freaked out and nothing happened (I mentioned her in the last post). She was my first girlfriend, and I thought I would marry her.

Then I found out she was cheating on me. Reality took his dick out and slapped me in the face with it.

Of course, I was heartbroken, and I was depressed for a month. But after that, I started trying to get into the game again. There was a local internet service that offered an IRC chat to meet people, and it was divided by age groups. In one of them, I learned about one of the truths of the Internet:

There are no girls.

Of course, there are exceptions, but I can't remember how many times I got confused with that. But, sometimes, you get lucky and get to know one of those few females that are around, lurking and trying not to get much attention. Her name was Jazmin.

I remember it like it was yesterday: we both were fucked over by our ex's, and we both were depressed and thinking that nobody would love us again. Of course, that gave us a lot of things to talk about, like how much we missed them, or that we would give everything to get them back. Common sense, as you can see, wasn't our most defining characteristic.

Of course, those talks lead us to try to know each other in another way. So, at the third or fourth talk, she send me a pick of her ass in a thong.

I'm not making this up.

"Not very subtle, aren't we?" I thought.

The picture was taken from under her skirt, and you couldn't see her face and her body, just her ass, which, I have to admit, it was pretty nice. Not incredible, but above average. On the other hand, the level of desperation I had could have been measured with a geiger counter. I was reaching critical mass. So, I put my head (the upper one) in stand by, and let the other one do the rest of the work.

I remember saying things like "I love you" and all that, and she "loved" me back. I put this in quotation marks because I'm not sure we ever felt anything, besides being horny as hell, and wanting to get some weird sort of revenge to our ex's. And that wasn't very subtle neither, we actually said that to each other. We used each other as a sort of emotional crutch, and that's was very clear from Day 1. So maybe that's the reason I'm not very sorry about how it ended.

We continue to chat over the Internet, but that wasn't enough, so we started to send each other text messages. Those started nice and fun ("Hey, I miss you :)"), kinda disturbing ("I found a guy in the streets that looks just like you, I followed him 6 blocks, he was scared LOL") to outright porn ("I JUST CAME THINKING ABOUT YOU GOD I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME").

Of course, those type of messages forced me to keep up to her level, and the product of that was some of the worst messages I've ever sent in my entire life. And I have sent some really nasty shit. I only can say that I wasn't aware that those things were illegal in my country, and I might not wanted to do everything that I said.

In any case, this started to escalate a lot, and of course, we started the phone sex. Yes, I admit it, I tried once phone sex. It isn't as sexy as it sounds, and you feel like an idiot when you realized that you basically just masturbated with a witness on the other side of the phone. And, of course, there's the risk of someone hearing you, or the battery on your cellphone just dying and leaving you with nothing.

But this was just the beginning. She started to write horny mails. She started to call to my home. And I was fucking cool with that. I cannot stress enough times that, up to this moment, I haven't seen her face or her body. Just her ass. That should have been a giveaway, that should have been a huge warning sign, but DUDE, SHE WANTED ME TO FUCK HER.

So, we took it to the next step. We decided to meet each other and have a lot of horny sex, like the pair of adults we were. We decided to go to see a movie, because we all know that in the darkness of the cinema, things can happen. The conversation went something like this:

Jazmin: "So, I want to see a movie"
Me: "What movie?"
J: "Cheaper by the Dozen 2"
Me: "...is there a sequel?"

Suddenly, I went to the Internet to check out some reviews, and I remember reading "Not only this is a Steve Martin movie (that just alone guarantees that it will be horrible), but Carmen Electra is in this film, and she isn't naked in any way during the movie". That should have been my second warning. But fuck common sense, that's for pussies.

We decided to meet in a local theater. I arrived early, so I had to wait. Remember, I haven't seen her at all, just her ass, and that was my only clue on how did she looked. My only option? Guess by the ass.

There was this redhead, who was coming right at me. I was excited, I love redhead. But no, she wasn't Jazmin. And then there was the blonde girl, but she met with some other dude. Both of them had awesome asses, but no, luck was not on my side.

Then, Jazmin arrived.

She looked like a little refrigerator, complete with the food inside her. Dressed like an anime character (can't remember which), she recognized me and I was "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MET A STRANGER IN THE ALP- I mean, THE INTERNET". She said hello, and then... she kissed me.

Well, I'm using that verb in a broad, general way. It was like this:

Damn it. Damn it to hell.

We enter to see the movie, and damn it if I was going to suffer that again. I was more focused on the hijinks of Steve Martin and his family than her. There was just one moment, when she puts her head on my shoulder and I'm thinking "Ok, keep your distance, this is fine, everything is cool" and, making one of the greatest mistakes Homo Sapiens has made since the beginning of Time, I look at her.

DAMN IT, GHONDAR!

The movie finished, and she said something along the lines of "In this shopping mall, there are some stairs that are abandoned, and we can use it...". Luckily for me, I didn't have any condom, but I'm pretty sure she would have bought them if I asked. So I decided to mentally check my Book of Excuses © and grabbed the first 5 or 6 that occurred to me and said them. At the same time. I think it was something like this:

"Look I just got out of a terrible experience and it's not you but it's me and my mother doesn't want me dating and my dog just died and I think my uncle is in prison and I believe I have to get home early because I have to take care of my sister and I left the oven on and look really its late I gotta go see ya"

A couple of days later, I received an email from her saying that I was the lowest piece of shit in the whole universe, that she used her sister's picture to convince me to date her and she was dating someone else. I looked at the picture she sent me of the happy couple. She was very happy, but what really caught my attention was the guy. His face was...

I have never seen a more terrified look in the face of a human being.

I'm sorry, random dude, wherever you are now.
I hope you got all the horny sex I refused to have on a moral and ethical ground.

Women

When I was 17, my family and I went to celebrate New Year's eve to my uncle summer house. This house is really fucking huge, and we stayed there for 4 days.

At that time, I was a virgin. But, of course, like most of the kids at that age, I was really expecting to stop being one, to enter the ADULT WORLD OF SEX ©, and stop being a kid. Most of my friends had already entered that exclusive group, and I wanted to be one of them.

But there was one problem:
Most of my knowledge of that world was from porn movies. So if, for example, we ordered pizza at home, I always expected that a hot chick would come to my door, only dressed with what legally could be called a tong and nothing more, say something like "But I want to see your pepperoni..." and started to blow me right there, at my home's front door (which, to be honest, would be fucking cool, seeing that the door was in front of a huge fucking avenue, with lots of people going around at all time).

I did have a girlfriend around that time, but she was really freaked out of getting pregnant, even when I assured that I would use two condoms at the same time. So, that was a dead end. My only opportunity was some outside force, some gift from the Universe in the shape of a horny woman. I prayed for that day, the day that I stopped being just "that virgin kid" to be "that guy who has a lot of sex".

(I'm still praying for that last part, but that's a thing for another day)

Like I was saying, I went to my family to that house, where I met my cousin's family (he's married and has a little kid). His wife had a sister. She was gorgeous. But really, this is not my nostalgia shaping things just to fuck me over. She was absolutely beautiful. And had a body that it would be a Maxim cover, if, of course, they wanted to have good sales that month.
I didn't care too much for her, because well, I figured that she had a boyfriend and all that. She wouldn't dare to lay eyes on me.

(Yes, I had low self stem around that time. Not that it's better now, though).

In any case, I was in one of the bedrooms, completely alone, with my playstation 2 hooked up to the tv, playing Metal Gear Solid 2, when she knocks the door. I let her in and she sits right next to me in the bed.

I realized that she's not wearing a bra (or at least, I couldn't see one from where I was), and started to talk to me. The next conversation is what the future historias will name "THE GREATEST MISSED OPPORTUNITY OF GHONDAR":

HotGirl: Hey, what are you playing?
Ghondar: Metal Gear Solid 2: Substance.
HG: What is it about?
G: Well, right now I'm playing as Raiden, but the main story of this saga is about Solid Snake, a clone of Big Boss, the greatest soldier ever. He died at the hands of Solid Snake in "Metal Gear 2", but his body was recovered, and the government created Solid and his brother Liquid Snake from his cells, and using the Super Baby Method...

*cue 10 minutes of Ghondar explaining to a girl the whole Metal Gear Saga*

G: ...And that's pretty much where I am right now in the game.
HG: (completely oblivious to my incredible detailed explanation) Oh. Right. So, wanna play another game?
G: Like what?
HG: Dunno... something we can play both of us... (and right here she smiles, it's really really sexy)
G: ...not following you.
HG: Well, there has to be some game we can both play... (she touches her shirt, slowly).
G: ...Pro Evolution Soccer?

She lets out a huge sigh, and left the room. I didn't care for that at all, and continued to play, like if nothing happened

I was a virgin for 4 more years.
Sometimes I wonder why.

How is this not racist?

G: Yes, my girlfriend is from another country.
RandomGirlAtWork*:Oh, nice!. I am not racist
G: Ok...
RGAW: For real!. My best friend is black, gay and brazilian.
G: You do know that telling those things about a person above all is racist, right?
RGAW: No way!. You are saying that because you are the racist.
G: You are the one who talks about your gay, black, and brazilian friend.
RGAW: No, I am not. I was just merely stating a point.
G: A racist point.
RGAW: Fuck you.


*A girl doing extra hours around here for the time being. She's hot as fuck, though.

On the other hand, I shouldn't be so hard (pun intended) on her, she's blond. And, well, we can't make fun of those people. That would be racist.



Yes, that was irony, thanks for asking.

I'm going to get fired for this

G: Hi, thanks for calling [Name of Help Desk], How can I help you?
User: Hi, my name is X and I'm having problems with my phone. Can you hear me?
G: No, I can't hear you, sir.
User: Oh, all right, will call you back later then.
G: Sure thing. Have a nice day, sir.

It's going to be a long day...

G: Hi, thanks for calling [Name of Help Desk], How can I help you?
User: Hi, my name is [Name] and I want to make a report
G: On what, sir?
U: My Microsoft doesn't work
G: Your what, sir?
U: My Microsoft, kid. Don't you know what it is?
G: Sir, Microsoft is a large software company that makes a lot of programs, for example, Microsoft Office, or Microsoft Windows. I need to know in what software the problem is, so I can help you.
U: The Microsoft, asshole. Are you retarded or something?
G: Sir...
U: Let me talk to your supervisor
G: Sir, I'm in charge of this shift.
U: FUCK YOU. *hangs up*

Conversations (Episode I)

Ghondar: So, you are cinema fan, right?
Random Girl: Yeah, I like a lot of movies
G: For example?
RG: Well, the matrix movies...
G: Go on...
RG: And that movie with the guy.
G: Guy?
RG: Yeah, the guy. With the beard. And he spoke in another language. The one with the controversy and the blood.
G: I have absolutely no idea of what are you talking about.
RG: C'mon! You know, that guy. The Jewish one.
G: ...The passion of the Christ? Is that the movie?
RG: Yeah, that one!.

Good luck I had to leave early. Although I would love to hear her description of the Matrix.

The Adventures of Ghondar at Work: Vol.1

(Yeah, this is a repost of something I wrote on WCM, the first posts will be like that, and then it's all new material... sadly).

I work in a Help Desk for a big airline every weekend and holidays, so I can't complain about the amount of work, to be honest. But I can complain about my co-workers.

Picture this: A big fucking office, completely empty, except four seats (including mine). So, we try to seat together, just because it's very very lonely sometimes (and that phrase will get another meaning soon), and we use the free time we have to chat, and have fun.

There are four people in here (we are six, but the rest aren't working exactly with us):
1) Michael: Cool but pervert.
2) Steve: A guy who speaks in another language enterily. And I'm not so sure that it's from the Earth.
3) Myself
4) And Susan: The little bitch from Hell.

Why, you are asking, I describe her like that?

It's because I hate her.

It's not like the way I hate techno music, or Uwe Boll. This is pure, incredible hate, born in the bottom of my heart, and fueled by everything she does or say. Everytime I see her it's like that episode of Friends, where Brad Pitt hates Jennifer Anniston, but without the fucking at the end of the show.

Susan, a few months ago, was fucking a supervisor. That's nothing of my business at all (specially the "fucking" part), but she insisted, and I mean, really insisted that I should know everything about them. Everything.

She complains that he uploaded to facebook (really) some old photos. In those photos, John (the supervisor) was with her ex girlfriend, the girl who lived with him for 8 long years. They broke up 9 months ago, and it's been four since John and Susan started dating.

The conversation goes something like this:
S: But he should (emphasis on should) know that I hate those photos
G: Did you tell him?
S: No, but I clicked in one of the photos the "I like" part. He...like...should know it's ironic
G: So, let me see if I understand, you complain that your current guy, who isn't your boyfriend by the way, you are just fucking him, uploads some photos to facebook where you can see her ex girlfriend, the girl that was his partner for 8 years, the same girl that had some serious shit with him (marriage plans and all that), the very same girl that dumped him 9 months ago. Not only that, you expect that he should realize his mistake by reading, in an ironic way, some shit Facebook has?
S: Yes, that's about it.
G: ...god damn it, I hate you. You are everything that I hate in a woman.
S: You are so cute, G ^^
G: I'm dead fucking serious
S: ^^

Please tell me that I'm not wrong and she's crazy. Or retarded. Please, give the the hope that not all is lost with the world.

Or a 9.mm. That should work too.

Welcome

First of all, let me introduce myself.

My name is not that important, but you can call me Ghondar. Are you asking why I started a blog? Well, according to some people on the Internet, I'm funny.

Yeah, the Internet is crazy.

So, in here you will read my adventures, or as I like to call them, "Ways that the Universe shows that he really hates me".

I apologize in advance if you find some grammatical holocaust in my post, English is not my first language (one of the reason that I'm writing this is because it will be good to polish my skills), and while I do use a spell checker and an Spanish - English dictionary, sometimes there might be some words that escape my control.

So, please enjoy my public humiliation.
Good luck it's not a pubic humiliation.