Revenge of the Dipshit

(A.k.a. Pokemon Crystal run: Part II)

Quick recap: I got my first pokemon (the awesome Totodile, whose name I changed for the easier to remember ASSHOLE), went to see Prof. Elm, who was kinda a dick to me (actually, everybody, specially my mom were like that), then went to see another Poke dude (whose name I can't and will not care at all), and he gave me an egg. Apparently, since I'm the only dude who doesn't have shit to do, I have to give it to Elm, who lives in the other town (and because Fedex is not invented in this world), and I have to get there by walking. Look, just give me a bus ride, a fucking bike, something, for fuck's sake. I'm not your errand boy.

I left the house and heard a weird phone sound. I did not realized that I had one on me. So I answered (actually, the game answers for you, since it doesn't like you having free reign over your life apparently):

"I forgot to buy some milk. Please bring some.
Oh, and toilet paper. I've been using my own socks lately"

Elm's the kind of guy who exaggerates things. You know the type: His team lost a season match? "ITS THE WORST DISASTER SINCE THE HOLOCAUST!". So, I actually didn't care that much about his phone call. Tried to get to the other towns, but couldn't because the road is blocked, so the game is saying "Why are you even trying, dude? Get your ass to Elm's lab and stop being such a whiny bitch".

I tried and then, someone wanted to battle me:

What kind of shitty parent name their son ???

I was like "Dude, I don't know you, why the fuck would you want to battle me?". But he insisted, and well, I wanted to get rid of this fucking quest and finally be able to catch them all.

I kicked his ass like there's no tomorrow:

Awesome! My ASSHOLE reached level 7! And it learned a new move!

"Dude, I told you, no more Taco Bell"

Too bad this move is only a "status" move, meaning that it will affect things like Speed or Attack. I was expecting something like a hadouken made of explosive diarrhea. Oh well.

After battling that dude, I decided to check on the Pokemon Center, to heal the small damage that fucking idiot did to my ASSHOLE.

Fuck you, you are not my real dad.

This fucking bitch is weird, first she tells me that I'm out late, and the next second she said this:

"You could see my Pokeballs too"

Clearly she wants the dick. My logic is perfect.

I arrived to Elm's lab, and there was a police officer in there. Apparently, there was a break in and someone stole a Pokemon. Look, I don't want to say I'm the king of secure things, but c'mon, you left them right in the fucking table. I actually walked and took one right in front of your eyes. Your lab isn't Fort Knox. It doesn't take James fucking Bond to steal one of them.

Anyway, the police officer asked me for the name of that bastard:

I'm going to be a terrible father someday.

I have to choose a good name, because that's the name of my rival. My nemesis. The Moriarty of this Sherlock Holmes. His name has to inspire terror, has to be serious, has to be strong, has to represent everything that's bad in the world. And then, like something clicked inside my head, I knew it. I knew it.

"For Poland! And France! And Italy! And... well, pretty much everyone.
Dude was a dick, really"

Now, I had one more reason to hate the guy. His name was pure evilness. I had to combat him.

Besides, the first time we see him...

Dude, your hand... like... it's not cool, bro.

Kinda makes sense, right?.


Coming soon:
The first pokemons Dipshit captures (besides his ASSHOLE), and the first Gym Leader.

Ghondar's Pokemon Crystal Run (Part I)

Since I don't have much to tell about girls, I decided to focus my abstinence to a healthy game of Pokemon. You know, because nothing says to a girl "I'm a sex machine" like catching them all.

I downloaded a Game Boy Color emulator for my Android, and a totally legal ROM of Pokemon Crystal. The screenshots are all taken from there, and if they are small, well fuck you and your high resolution.

It's been a while since I played an old Pkm game, and to be honest, I'm used to modern incarnations of them. Last time I played was Black and White for the DS and they were so much new monsters that I felt like the game itself was laughing at me, since there's no way in hell I can catch them all now since they are like 400 of them. I still remember when there was only 151, AND WE LIKED IT THAT WAY.

NOW GET OFF MY LAWN, YOU YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPERS.

Aham, anyway, decided to give it a try:

Allright!

So, here we go. Start of a new adventure...and we got to the first problem:

Is this a morally correct question? I mean, let's be honest here. We are in an age of information, of incredible possibilities. Every kid now has the amazing ability to learn about anything with just a quick google search. And I'm talking about anything. Little Sam, from Idaho, wants to learn where do babies come from? He can just type that shit and it will be displayed right there, in front of his little innocent eyes. He will leave childhood  right there.

With that in mind, more and more people are open to possibilities, to experiment sexually, to become whatever they want to be. They don't have to be just a man or a woman (or as the image implies, a boy or a girl). They can be so much more. 

Is this game some sort of challenge, philosophically speaking? Is Game Freak trying to reach to the masses and say "Wake up, your sexual destiny awaits you"?. To the Little Sam, who is starting to have weird feelings for his friend Tim?.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Anyway, I chose boy because I'm a boy and I don't like any dick that isn't mine. 

The time has come to choose a name. And, obvious seeing that I'm actually an adult, legally speaking, but I have the sense of humor of a 10 years old boy (actually, a 10 years old boy would be like Monty Python next to me. I still laugh like an idiot with poop jokes).

"Asshole" and "Cockface" were runner ups too.

Yeah, well, what did you expect from somebody like me?.

I started the game, and I went to say hello to my mother...

Hello there, you frigid bitch!

Went out, and tried to talk to the people at the village:

This is getting kinda personal

Even Professor Elm was trying to be a dick with me:

That was uncalled for, dude.

He told me to choose a pokemon from the three balls (hehehehehe) he had on his table. There were Totodile, the water pokemon and the one who looks like he's a crocodile on Acid. Chicorita, the one leaf bastard, and Cyndaquil, who was the fire one, and the one with the weirdest name ever (and we are talking about pkmns here, with weird names like GARBADOR, who is a bag of trash).

I chose Totodile, because he had that weird look in his eyes. A crazy motherfucker. He's like me.

We are going to be a great team together, motherfuckers!.

Elm asked me to talk to some Pokemon dude in other town, so I had to make my way there. Before allowing me to go, he gave me his number:

"Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy,
but here's my number,  so catch them maybe?"

I feel like it's kinda inappropriate to give a kid a pokemon and say "There you go. Good luck. Try not to get gang raped out there! Watch your holes! Oh, and you can call me anytime you want but we both know I won't move a fucking finger for you. See ya!". Dunno, maybe I'm a morally correct person.

Then again, I renamed my pokemon:

...I HAD TO!

See? I'm retarded that way. See, for example, my best bud ASSHOLE using one of his starting moves:

This shit writes itself

I'm going to have a lot of fun with this game.

Anyway, I arrived to the town in question, after battling a couple of those fucking things and found an old man who, for some reason, showed the way around and then told me where his house was. Cannot be the only one who really thinks it's really fucking creepy, right?.

And, acting like I was a whore who just blew him, he gave me this:

...I feel dirty inside

Dunno, my mother told me never accept things from strangers. But, then again, it IS a map card. Oh well, a quick blow and that's it.

After my work, I arrived to the Pokemon dude's house. There I was received with such hospitality that would make royalty jealous:

"Ehem, KING Dipshit".

 And after they tell me that I have to do a quest for them (like if I had any choice in the matter), they told me goodbye with a kiss:

Fuck you too, bro.

So, for now, here I am. Stuck with a quest I didn't want, removed from my home because my mother is a frigid bitch, and I have my only companion, my dear beloved ASSHOLE.

Didn't see that joke coming? You should know better by now.