Revenge of the Dipshit

(A.k.a. Pokemon Crystal run: Part II)

Quick recap: I got my first pokemon (the awesome Totodile, whose name I changed for the easier to remember ASSHOLE), went to see Prof. Elm, who was kinda a dick to me (actually, everybody, specially my mom were like that), then went to see another Poke dude (whose name I can't and will not care at all), and he gave me an egg. Apparently, since I'm the only dude who doesn't have shit to do, I have to give it to Elm, who lives in the other town (and because Fedex is not invented in this world), and I have to get there by walking. Look, just give me a bus ride, a fucking bike, something, for fuck's sake. I'm not your errand boy.

I left the house and heard a weird phone sound. I did not realized that I had one on me. So I answered (actually, the game answers for you, since it doesn't like you having free reign over your life apparently):

"I forgot to buy some milk. Please bring some.
Oh, and toilet paper. I've been using my own socks lately"

Elm's the kind of guy who exaggerates things. You know the type: His team lost a season match? "ITS THE WORST DISASTER SINCE THE HOLOCAUST!". So, I actually didn't care that much about his phone call. Tried to get to the other towns, but couldn't because the road is blocked, so the game is saying "Why are you even trying, dude? Get your ass to Elm's lab and stop being such a whiny bitch".

I tried and then, someone wanted to battle me:

What kind of shitty parent name their son ???

I was like "Dude, I don't know you, why the fuck would you want to battle me?". But he insisted, and well, I wanted to get rid of this fucking quest and finally be able to catch them all.

I kicked his ass like there's no tomorrow:

Awesome! My ASSHOLE reached level 7! And it learned a new move!

"Dude, I told you, no more Taco Bell"

Too bad this move is only a "status" move, meaning that it will affect things like Speed or Attack. I was expecting something like a hadouken made of explosive diarrhea. Oh well.

After battling that dude, I decided to check on the Pokemon Center, to heal the small damage that fucking idiot did to my ASSHOLE.

Fuck you, you are not my real dad.

This fucking bitch is weird, first she tells me that I'm out late, and the next second she said this:

"You could see my Pokeballs too"

Clearly she wants the dick. My logic is perfect.

I arrived to Elm's lab, and there was a police officer in there. Apparently, there was a break in and someone stole a Pokemon. Look, I don't want to say I'm the king of secure things, but c'mon, you left them right in the fucking table. I actually walked and took one right in front of your eyes. Your lab isn't Fort Knox. It doesn't take James fucking Bond to steal one of them.

Anyway, the police officer asked me for the name of that bastard:

I'm going to be a terrible father someday.

I have to choose a good name, because that's the name of my rival. My nemesis. The Moriarty of this Sherlock Holmes. His name has to inspire terror, has to be serious, has to be strong, has to represent everything that's bad in the world. And then, like something clicked inside my head, I knew it. I knew it.

"For Poland! And France! And Italy! And... well, pretty much everyone.
Dude was a dick, really"

Now, I had one more reason to hate the guy. His name was pure evilness. I had to combat him.

Besides, the first time we see him...

Dude, your hand... like... it's not cool, bro.

Kinda makes sense, right?.


Coming soon:
The first pokemons Dipshit captures (besides his ASSHOLE), and the first Gym Leader.