The T-800 that could procreate

I never had problems with the family of the girls I dated, except two times. Once was the family of my last big relationship (those people deserve a post of their own), and that was a really big problem, and it actually fucked up my relationship with my then girlfriend.

The other time was just once, and we weren't actually dating. But for her father, the T-800 itself, there was no difference.

I met this girl (like all the rest) online, in an Anime Forum that I was a moderator. Before I go on, yes I did like anime, and yes, I thought I was an Otaku. I felt more connection with some drawings in the screen that I had with some of the people I used to talk. I felt special and one of my goals back then was to learn japanese and move to Tokio.

Yes, I was that fucked in the head.

So, this girl is nothing extraordinary. In fact, I will go out and say that she was the most "normal" person I've ever liked (I say "normal" because, well, she was a very active member of an Anime forum and that doesn't scream "I am Normal" as most Otaku like to believe). She was very cool, with a touch of innate happiness that is often the mark of someone who, if left by their own means, would probably give money to that lovely and friendly Nigerian prince that sent her an email recently about some economic help he needed.

She had a beautiful smile, and often made witty remarks about Life and the Universe. Although, to be honest, I thought they were smart and witty, but since I was 15 years old and I haven't had my share of Real Life slapped in the face yet, pretty much everything close to a fart joke would look to me like the words of Carl Sagan.

I remember that one time I wanted to give her a gift, but since I didn't have any money on me, I decided to steal a little teddy bear that my sister had (don't look at me like that, she has over 250 bears and she still haven't realized that I stole one of hers). Let's remember, I was an Otaku back then, and, of course, since I had a big crush on her, my mind (the war already started by that time) made all these scenarios where I would give her the bear and she would look like this:

Although a little more girly and pink. And less gay.

And things would degenerate into a kiss, and, maybe, if I'm lucky, I would be able to touch her Waifus.

But the bear had a little stain and it was really dirty, and in my rush of getting her the present (and steal it from my sister), I didn't check that out. So when I gave her the present...


G: I brought you a present *blush*
Her: Oh, Thank you, Ghondar-chan! It's lov-
G: *still blushing like a motherfucker* I thought about you when I bought it...
Her: Really? Because... it's dirty.
G: I... what?
Her: Yup, look.

"Father, why hast you forsaken me?"

I didn't know what to say. So I blamed the store, their mothers, the President, the UN and pretty much everybody I remembered.

In a way to make her forget about my little mistake, I invited her to watch a movie at a theater. It was some random movie with John Travolta, and I can't remember how it was or if it was any good (but seeing that his career isn't that good, I would bet that it wasn't). Anyway, after that, we went to Mc Donald's and we had a really cool time together. My mind started to think that maybe, maybe, I will get a kiss.

Please note how low my expectations were when I was a virgin.

After the dinner, she said that her father would pick her up, and that they could give me a ride home. Of course, I said yes. I mean, free ride dude!. I did not know how weird it was going to be.

So, we decided to wait for her father, and while we were waiting, we saw a police man near us arguing in English with some another dude close to us, and there were clearly communication issues. Now, for those who doesn't know, I live in a Spanish speaking country, and English, as you might have inferred from the mistakes I make and the grammatical holocausts that sometimes slips under the radar, is my second language. While I think my writing skills are at least average, my oral skills are somewhat clumsy and I confuse words and get very shy because I always think that I must sound like a retarded asshole with a speech problem.

Also I curse a lot, and, apparently, it's not a skill that is really accepted or encouraged. Their fucking loss, of course.

Demonstrating that my logic sometimes is dangerous but most of the times is outright stupid, I saw my opportunity to "prove" myself (whatever the fuck that means) in front of her. So I stepped up, and with the most masculine voice a 15 years old can make (which sounded like I was raping a banshee), I talked to the police:

G: *In Spanish* Let me help you, I know English
Policeman: *still in Spanish of course* Tell this asshole that he can't park here.
G: *To the English dude* He said that you can't park here, you have to move your car

And then, this English fucker spoke in one of those accents that comes from one of those forgotten towns in the middle of Bumfuck, one of those where there are 20 people living there, and they are all relatives. I'm pretty sure he was trying to call one of the Elder Gods. It was like the guy had a potato in his mouth.

I don't know what's more disturbing: the fact he has a potato in his mouth
or the fact that I find it slightly arousing.

My pride was completely destroyed. I was ashamed in front of the girl that I liked and, if anime was real, I would have to earn my honor back in a series of weird and strange situations. And nobody got time for that.

Soon, the father arrived, and we left the police man, the English dude and my completely and destroyed pride there. Fuck you, English dude. Fuck you. I really hope you went to jail that night, you deserve all the anal rape you could get there.

Before her dad started the car, he turned back at me (I was in the back seat, of course) and introduced himself:

"Hi, I'm her dad. Nice to meet you!"

Her dad was a beast. Really big, really intimidating, and with eyes that could search your souls and find your deepest sins. It was like the Penance Stare from Ghost Rider, but without Nicholas Cage and all that (sadly, because I fucking love that guy). I felt small, like an ant in front of a boot. All my charisma, all of my charming smile and fast talking were gone just like a fart in a storm (suck on that analogy, Oscar Wilde). I felt that every move that I made was under complete vigilance. He had one of those mustaches that made him look like the Big Brother and I felt like a small version of Winston Smith.

(See? Not everything is a dick joke around here. Sometimes we have quality).

This girl was sitting right next to me, and tried to have small talk with me, but I couldn't. I just couldn't. My mind went into full shutdown, and I couldn't, for the life of me, mutter any single word. I was completely and absolutely speechless.

Which was bad because years later after this date, she told me that around that time, she really liked me and was waiting me to make a move. Which, to be honest, is like waiting for me to not make any poop jokes around here.

He started to drive and I remember feeling his eyes on me, his eyes full of Death and Gore. He wanted an excuse. He wanted me to fuck up, to touch his daughter's hand. To smile at her. To even look at her. I felt that every single bad thing that would happen on the road, no matter how small or how out of my control were, he was going to blame me.

"Go on, talk to her. I've farted better men than you"

We arrived at my home, and all I could say was "heythanksfortherideseeyousoon", went out of the car and got into my house like there is no tomorrow.

"Is he gone? Can I touch her Sushi now?"

We lost contact with the girl after that date, until a couple of years later that we went to have a coffee, but nothing came out from that. It is a shame, really, that I didn't do anything.

I really wanted to make up for that dirty teddy bear.