Years ago, when I was 17, I was in a relationship for 15 months. Incredible, fun, full of love, and kisses. We tried having sex, but she was freaked out and nothing happened (I mentioned her in the last post). She was my first girlfriend, and I thought I would marry her.
Then I found out she was cheating on me. Reality took his dick out and slapped me in the face with it.
Of course, I was heartbroken, and I was depressed for a month. But after that, I started trying to get into the game again. There was a local internet service that offered an IRC chat to meet people, and it was divided by age groups. In one of them, I learned about one of the truths of the Internet:
There are no girls.
Of course, there are exceptions, but I can't remember how many times I got confused with that. But, sometimes, you get lucky and get to know one of those few females that are around, lurking and trying not to get much attention. Her name was Jazmin.
I remember it like it was yesterday: we both were fucked over by our ex's, and we both were depressed and thinking that nobody would love us again. Of course, that gave us a lot of things to talk about, like how much we missed them, or that we would give everything to get them back. Common sense, as you can see, wasn't our most defining characteristic.
Of course, those talks lead us to try to know each other in another way. So, at the third or fourth talk, she send me a pick of her ass in a thong.
I'm not making this up.
"Not very subtle, aren't we?" I thought.
The picture was taken from under her skirt, and you couldn't see her face and her body, just her ass, which, I have to admit, it was pretty nice. Not incredible, but above average. On the other hand, the level of desperation I had could have been measured with a geiger counter. I was reaching critical mass. So, I put my head (the upper one) in stand by, and let the other one do the rest of the work.
I remember saying things like "I love you" and all that, and she "loved" me back. I put this in quotation marks because I'm not sure we ever felt anything, besides being horny as hell, and wanting to get some weird sort of revenge to our ex's. And that wasn't very subtle neither, we actually said that to each other. We used each other as a sort of emotional crutch, and that's was very clear from Day 1. So maybe that's the reason I'm not very sorry about how it ended.
We continue to chat over the Internet, but that wasn't enough, so we started to send each other text messages. Those started nice and fun ("Hey, I miss you :)"), kinda disturbing ("I found a guy in the streets that looks just like you, I followed him 6 blocks, he was scared LOL") to outright porn ("I JUST CAME THINKING ABOUT YOU GOD I WANT YOU TO FUCK ME").
Of course, those type of messages forced me to keep up to her level, and the product of that was some of the worst messages I've ever sent in my entire life. And I have sent some really nasty shit. I only can say that I wasn't aware that those things were illegal in my country, and I might not wanted to do everything that I said.
In any case, this started to escalate a lot, and of course, we started the phone sex. Yes, I admit it, I tried once phone sex. It isn't as sexy as it sounds, and you feel like an idiot when you realized that you basically just masturbated with a witness on the other side of the phone. And, of course, there's the risk of someone hearing you, or the battery on your cellphone just dying and leaving you with nothing.
But this was just the beginning. She started to write horny mails. She started to call to my home. And I was fucking cool with that. I cannot stress enough times that, up to this moment, I haven't seen her face or her body. Just her ass. That should have been a giveaway, that should have been a huge warning sign, but DUDE, SHE WANTED ME TO FUCK HER.
So, we took it to the next step. We decided to meet each other and have a lot of horny sex, like the pair of adults we were. We decided to go to see a movie, because we all know that in the darkness of the cinema, things can happen. The conversation went something like this:
Jazmin: "So, I want to see a movie"
Me: "What movie?"
J: "Cheaper by the Dozen 2"
Me: "...is there a sequel?"
Suddenly, I went to the Internet to check out some reviews, and I remember reading "Not only this is a Steve Martin movie (that just alone guarantees that it will be horrible), but Carmen Electra is in this film, and she isn't naked in any way during the movie". That should have been my second warning. But fuck common sense, that's for pussies.
We decided to meet in a local theater. I arrived early, so I had to wait. Remember, I haven't seen her at all, just her ass, and that was my only clue on how did she looked. My only option? Guess by the ass.
There was this redhead, who was coming right at me. I was excited, I love redhead. But no, she wasn't Jazmin. And then there was the blonde girl, but she met with some other dude. Both of them had awesome asses, but no, luck was not on my side.
Then, Jazmin arrived.
She looked like a little refrigerator, complete with the food inside her. Dressed like an anime character (can't remember which), she recognized me and I was "FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MET A STRANGER IN THE ALP- I mean, THE INTERNET". She said hello, and then... she kissed me.
Well, I'm using that verb in a broad, general way. It was like this:
Damn it. Damn it to hell.
We enter to see the movie, and damn it if I was going to suffer that again. I was more focused on the hijinks of Steve Martin and his family than her. There was just one moment, when she puts her head on my shoulder and I'm thinking "Ok, keep your distance, this is fine, everything is cool" and, making one of the greatest mistakes Homo Sapiens has made since the beginning of Time, I look at her.
DAMN IT, GHONDAR!
The movie finished, and she said something along the lines of "In this shopping mall, there are some stairs that are abandoned, and we can use it...". Luckily for me, I didn't have any condom, but I'm pretty sure she would have bought them if I asked. So I decided to mentally check my Book of Excuses © and grabbed the first 5 or 6 that occurred to me and said them. At the same time. I think it was something like this:
"Look I just got out of a terrible experience and it's not you but it's me and my mother doesn't want me dating and my dog just died and I think my uncle is in prison and I believe I have to get home early because I have to take care of my sister and I left the oven on and look really its late I gotta go see ya"
A couple of days later, I received an email from her saying that I was the lowest piece of shit in the whole universe, that she used her sister's picture to convince me to date her and she was dating someone else. I looked at the picture she sent me of the happy couple. She was very happy, but what really caught my attention was the guy. His face was...
I have never seen a more terrified look in the face of a human being.
I'm sorry, random dude, wherever you are now.
I hope you got all the horny sex I refused to have on a moral and ethical ground.
